I come from a working class family. My parents grew up after
the war and had very little. Their typical Christmas gift was an orange. In a
good year they would get a few walnuts to go with it. In a bad year they would
have to share the orange with a brother.
While I never really lacked anything truly necessary, I grew up
feeling like money was always an issue. My mum used to say: “it is easier to
save a dollar than to earn it”.
Not surprisingly that has left me with a strong need for financial
stability. Nothing fancy, mind you, I never dreamed of owning a yacht or buying
a football club, just been able to go to the restaurant every week if I
wanted to, rather than 3 or 4 times a year like my parents did.
From the age of 12 I spent my summer vacations waiting tables and
while my friend came back to school with great stories about their summer
adventures, I came back with a jar full of tips.
When the time came of choosing college it was pretty easy: I wanted
the shortest course of study, that would give me the highest probability of
getting a job after I finished it.
That eliminated right away things like art, history and literature.
I can’t stand blood and I’m not good at math, which took care of
medicine and frankly of most scientific disciplines.
After I dismissed Law School on mild ethical concerns, what I was
left with was Business Administration.
I had my choice, and I felt REALLY good about it, I knew I could
find a good Corporate job with that, and any job would do!
Fast forward 20 yrs. I am having dinner with my wife, I reach for
the glass of red wine in front of me, I lift it up to my nose to absorb the
dark notes of coffee mixed with a hint of blueberry (at least if you believe
what the lable said).
My wife is busy with her steak, when suddenly she lays down her fork
to the side of her plate, raises her head, looks at me and asks: “Have
you ever been REALLY happy?”
What an interesting question I think. Why shouldn’t I? I’ve got a
good job, great family, everybody touch wood is in good health….
I put down the glass, start thinking about a moment that stands out,
a shiny memory, one instant of pure joy. And I realize, I cannot find one.
Which she of course knew all along, because women - whether you like
it or not - are a lot smarter than men when it comes to the important things in
life.
“Ok, ok" says my wife "let’s start with an easier one, do
you like your job?”
Well, it’s not like I am changing the world, I am not working on the
cancer vaccine… we sell chocolate, for Pete sake!
But the main thing is: I feel like I have done nothing else but
working for the last 20 years!
”I know” she says “and I’m getting tired”.
And what she really means with that is that she is getting tired of
being neglected, of me reaching for the blackberry under the table over dinner,
of taking care of the kids alone while I am in the office working late, of
waiting in bed till she falls asleep while I put the last finishing touch to my
presentation.
And then comes the final blow: “and the worse thing is that you are
always worried and unhappy, like it’s never good enough, like YOU are not good
enough”.
I finally drink that stupid glass of wine, and I cannot taste the
coffe nor the hint of blueberry.
A few days later my Head of Accounting comes over to my desk,
clutching a document to her chest, her shoulder are sagging more than usual and
there’s a look of disappointment in her eyes.
“We have made a mistake in our budget” she says…
“Ok, anything I need to worry about?”
“I’m afraid yes, it’s a 12m dollar mistake”.
Fuck! I feel my stomach twisting inside, and a dark cloud of worry
coming over me.
This is big... it means my boss will not get a bonus this year and
more importantly, my professional reputation is going down the drain as fast as
a piece of shit in an airplane toilet bowl!
Thanks God is Friday. I leave the office and drive home, all the
time brooding over the possible consequences. I drop my bag, put on my
sneakers and go for a jog.
This time I switch off my iPod and listen to myself instead... and I
don’t like what I hear.
I hear a little boy sobbing because his dad didn’t let him buy
a toy car, even if it was his own money! I listen to a teenager making
excuses with his friends because he has no money to join them for the dinner.
But worse of all I hear a grown up man cringing at the idea of losing his
job, of not been able to support his family, having to start from scratch.
And that’s the moment when a light turns on in my head.
I am so afraid of losing what I have achieved, that I constantly
worry and stress over my work. I put so much time and energy in it, that I have
got nothing left for myself and my family.
But I don’t want to be like that any longer.
So what if I lose my job?- I tell myself - What if I get
fired? What about it? Is that so bad? Is that the end of the world?
Maybe it would actually be great ! Maybe I would go live in Canada.
Maybe I would start working for a non-profit and feel really good about
my work.
Who knows??? But for Christ Sake, stop worrying and start living!
I jog home, a smile now set on my face, I get to the house, my wife
is waiting for me outside, I wave and get closer to her. I smile, give her a
kiss and I say "everything 's going to be all right."
It’s been 2 months now, I still have my job (as always my fears
proved to be disproportionate to reality), I have actually started to enjoy it,
but more importantly I have started to work on my life.
And to make sure I don't slip back in the old habits, I have started
to work on my bucket list.
The first 3 items on my list are:
- skydiving (I do realise that I should probably put this one way
down the list, just in case a mechanical failure happens when I jump, but what
the heck)
- learning to play piano to play music with my wife
- and number 3: go on stage at an open mike storytelling
competition. But before I can do that, I better learn how to tell a story.
And that’s why I am here with you today in this storytelling workshop.
Posted with Blogsy
